Saturday 1 March 2008

A Jimmy Riddle or an Eartha Kit?

In view of the tremendous volume of crap that has been emanating from the mainstream media in Malaysia in the run up to the 12th General Election which will be held on Saturday 8th March 2008, I thought it was an ideal time to post these poems.

Many poems have been written about the urge to use the loo, the two below refer to a 'Jimmy Riddle' (piddle) or an 'Eartha Kit' (shit) when on the train.

Years ago in the UK, [and even still today in some places, including Malaysia], the excrement passed directly to the rail track vertically below, these verses refer to this phenomena.

Potential travellers by the commuter trains in Malaysia, please be forewarned, they do not have any toilets fitted.
Anyone needing to answer the call of nature, including the driver, needs to get off and do his business at a station. Therefore, if the train is stopped at a station for a long period, either it has broken down, or the driver has gone to the lavatory!

Note the longest route from, end to end, Seremban to Rawang, (and sometimes a little beyond) and vice versa, takes a little over 2 hours, and the other route, from Port Klang to Sentul, takes a maximum of 1 hour 22 minutes!!!!!

The Train

While the train is in the station
Please refrain from urination
Have regard for railway property
If you want to pass some water
Go and ask the railway-porter
He will show you the lavatory

While the train is stationary
And you have to go quite heavy
Do not drop your shit in the train
From the carriage you must wander
And the penny you must squander
And relief yourself with might and pain.

Gentlemen Should Please Refrain

Passengers will please refrain
from flushing toilets while the train
is standing in the station for a while.
We encourage constipation
while the train is in the station.
cross your legs and grit your teeth and smile.

Piddling while the train is moving
is another way of proving
that control of hand and eye is sure.
We like to keep our toilets neat
so please don't shit upon the seat,
or, what is worse, excrete upon the floor.

In the carriage there's a chain
and if you pull it, it stops the train
There's a twenty-five pound fine if you’re unwise
So, ladies if you’re being molested
wait until you've been divested
it isn't worth five fivers other wise

Gentlemen will please refrain
from passing water while the train
is standing at the station in full view
'Cos railway workers (Tramps and hoboes) underneath
may cop it in the eyes and teeth
and they don't like it: how the hell would you
(But that's what comes of being underdog.)

Gentlemen please be discreet
when using the toilet lift the seat
the rocking motion may make you miss the pan
and lady passengers following on
may get it on their sit-upon
'cos they can't stand and wee-wee like a man.

Bottoms up!

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