St. Patrick's Day Greetings to Everyone, Sláinte

1^st Irish Pub Joke

An Irish man shows up in a pub one day and orders three pints of Guinness. He takes sips from each glass until they are empty and calls the bartender for three more. The bartender says, 'Sure it's up to yourself, but wouldn't you rather I was bringing them one at a time? Then they'll be fresh and cold.'

'Nah...' your man says, ' I'm preferrin' that ye bring 'em three at a time. You see, me and me two brothers would meet at a pub and drink and have good times. Now one is in Australia, the other in Canada and I'm here. We agreed before we split up that we'd drink to each other's honour this way.'

'Well,' says the bartender, 'that's a grand thing to do, all right. I'll bring the pints as you ask.'

Well, time goes on and your man's peculiar habit is known and accepted by all the pub regulars. One day though, he comes in and orders only two pints. A hush falls over the pub. Naturally, everyone figures something happened to one of the brothers. A group of the regulars corner the bartender and finally persuade him to find out what happened. With a heavy heart, the bartender brings the two pints and says, 'Here's your pints... and let me offer my sincerest condolences. What happened?'

The Irish man looks extremely puzzled for a moment, and then starts laughing.

'Oh, no, no, no! 'Tis nothing like that. You see, I've given up drinking for Lent...'

2^nd Irish Pub Joke

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. Each orders a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and land-- one, two, three-- in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another... the Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, grabs the fly between his fingers and shakes him as hard as he can, shouting 'Spit it out, ya bloody bastard! Spit it out!'

3^rd Irish Pub Joke

An Irish man has been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So your man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand.

It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting.

'So... you've been out drinking again!'

'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame.

'The pub called-- you left your damn wheelchair down there again!'

A Irish toast to everyone:

My friends are the best friends
Loyal, willing and able.
Now let’s get to drinking!
All glasses off the table!

Here's to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold pint-- and another one!

Sláinte!

Nemo risum praebuit, qui ex se coepit

Nobody is laughed at, who laughs at himself.

An Australian Love Poem

A Reef in Australia

Aussie Love Poem

Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer

Anonymous


Who was it who said:
"Australian men aren't romantic"?

Ex abundancia cordis, os loquitor


From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks

NO RELIGION TOO!

IMAGINE IT IS EASY IF YOU TRY, NO HELL BELOW US, ABOVE US ONLY SKY.

IMAGING THERE’S NO COUNTRIES; IT ISN’T HARD TO DO, NOTHING TO KILL OR DIE FOR, AND NO RELIGION TOO.

HEAR-HEAR!!!!

The lyrics for John Lennon’s famous and truly thought provoking song are written below.

If we all lived like he envisaged in his song, the world could indeed be a better place for you & me.

Imagine there's no Heaven

It's easy if you try

No hell below us

Above us only sky

Imagine all the people

Living for today

Imagine there's no countries

It isn't hard to do

Nothing to kill or die for

And no religion too

Imagine all the people

Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions

I wonder if you can

No need for greed or hunger

A brotherhood of man

Imagine all the people

Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

And the world will live as one

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

When cannibals ate a missionary, did they get a taste of religion?

A QUESTION

Is Atheism a non-prophet organization?

SOME ADVICE

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

Respice, adspice, prospice

Examine the past, examine the present, examine the future

Dum tempus habemus, operemur bonum

While we have the time, let us do good

Iustitia omnibus

Justice for all

MALAYSIA'S CARTOONS OF TRUTH - an example of the maxim " The Truth Hurts"?

Cartoon source Asia Observer HERE

To enjoy some excellent political cartoons which are as rare as chickens teeth in Malaysia, see CARTOONKINI from Malaysiakini click HERE

The Ghost of Altantuya

A Cartoon from Korea Times

Now, one example of how the Malaysian government is trying to stop a political cartoonist from telling his story:

From The Star Online:
Saturday 29th August 2009

"408 copies of cartoon magazine seized

KUALA LUMPUR:

The Home Ministry has seized 408 copies of a cartoon magazine and 18 printing plates from a company here for illegal publishing.

The seizure of the Bahasa Malaysia Gedung Kartun at Sepakat Efektif Sdn Bhd in Brickfields on Monday followed a tip-off, said the ministry in a statement. The printer, K. Vin Publisher, was charged with operating without a permit." — Bernama

Cover of the first issue of Gedung Kartun

Click HERE for an interesting and informative news report, about this obviously politically motivated action, from Radio Australia.

Press Statement from Cartoonist Zunar

With respect to the Home Ministry's consfiscation of materials from his newly set up cartoon magazine publishing company, Sepakat Efektif Sdn Bhd's, premises with its inaugural issue of "Gedung Kartun".

Zunar: I strongly denies Home Ministry’s allegations

1. Referring to the news article in Malaysiakini dated 29th August 2009 which quotes the Home Minstry’s Corporate Communication Unit’s Head, Jamilah Taib that Sepakat Efektif Sdn Bhd, a company that I own will be charged for publishing material without a publishing license.

According to Jamilah, Sepakat Efektif will be charged under Section 5(2) (b) of the Printing Presses and Publication Act 1984 for distribution unlicensed publications. If convicted, the penalties are not more than 3 years prison or a fine not exceeding RM20,000.00 or both. The statement by Jamilah refers to the publication of a Cartoon magazine titled ‘Gedung Kartun’.

2. For the record, before the publication of the magazine, I made an application to the Home Ministry for the Publication Permit and all requirements and conditions to obtain the permit had been fulfilled.

On the 3rd of August our Company had contacted Officers from the Home Ministry and we were informed that the permit had been approved and the hard copy of the Publication Permit would be ready for collection on the 14th of August 2009.

On the said date we went to collect the Publication Permit at the Home Ministry but were informed that the Permit was not ready.
I then requested for the Permit number so that we could begin with production work on the understanding that when the magazine would be printed and distributed in 10 days' time, the Permit would be ready.

We were given the Permit Number PP8541/08/2010(0282145) ISSN 1688-5398 by the officers on that day. I refute any allegations that Gedung Kartun is published with a false permit.
The Home Ministry has made a serious accusation that implies that I made up the Permit Number PP8541/08/2010(0282145) ISSN 1688-5398.

3. I am bemused as to why the Publication Permit for Gedung Kartun is yet to be issued and instead a raid was conducted and they now want to charge me in court. Isn’t it better for them to issue the approved permit as they had informed me and solve all matters?

4. As the approved Publication Permit can only be signed off by the Home Minister, I shall request in writing to meet with the Home Minister Dato’ Seri Hishamuddin Tun Hussein to get an explanation on whether he did or not approve the permit number PP8541/08/2010(0282145) ISSN 1688-5398 on or before the 14th of August 2009 for Gedung Kartun magazine, as informed by Officers of the Home Ministry.

5. I will also like to question the increasing difficulty in obtaining Publication Permits. What then is meant by the Prime Minister that the media will be freer under his Administration? Is it that under 1Malaysia, works of art and the voices of cartoonists will be under a tighter grip?

6. If drawing cartoons results with 3 years imprisonment, imagine the state of media freedom and freedom of expression in Malaysia.

7. I also urge for the draconian Printing Presses and Publication Act 1984 to be abolished.

Zunar

Political cartoonist, Gedung Kartun Editor
+6012 3058262
+603 22744931
1 September 2009

Defend the rights of Cartoonists

A cartoon from Gedung Kartun

Press Statement -Bahasa Malaysia version:


Zunar: Saya menafikan sekeras-kerasnya tuduhan KDN

1. Merujuk Berita Malaysiakini bertarikh 29 Ogos yang memetik kenyataan Ketua Komunikasi Korporat KDN Jamilah Taib bahawa Sepakat Efektif Sdn Bhd, iaitu syarikat milik saya akan didakwa kerana menerbitkan sebuah penerbitan tanpa permit penerbitan.

Menurut beliau, Sepakat Efektif didakwa di bawah Seksyen 5(2)(b) Akta Mesin Cetak 1984 kerana mengedarkan majalah yang tiada permit. Jika disabitkan kesalahan boleh dipenjara tidak lebih daripada tiga tahun atau denda tidak melebihi RM20,000 atau kedua-duanya sekali. Laporan itu dipetik

Kenyatan itu merujuk kepada penerbitan sebuah majalah kartun berjudul Gedung Kartun.

2. Sebagai rekod, sebelum majalah ini diterbitkan, saya telah membuat permohonan pada 30 Jun kepada KDN untuk mendapatkan permit dan telah mematuhi semua peraturan yang disyaratkan.

Pada 3 Ogos, syarikat kami telah menghubungi pegawai KDN dan dimaklumkan permit telah lulus dan beliau meminta untuk mengambil surat penerbitan pada 14 Ogos. Pada 14 Ogos, kami pergi ke KDN untuk mengambil surat, walau bagaimana pun dimaklumkan surat belum siap.

Sehubungan itu, saya telah meminta agar nombor permit itu diberi terlebih dahulu supaya kami dapat menjalankan kerja-kerja produksi, dengan anggapan bahawa apabila majalah ini dicetak dan diedarkan sepuluh hari selepas itu, sudah pasti surat rasmi permit itu akan tiba. Dan nombor itu telah diberi oleh pegawai KDN.

Dengan itu saya menafikan sekeras-kerasnya bahawa Gedung Kartun diterbitkan dengan menggunakan permit palsu. Malahan KDN telah membuat tuduhan serius yang membawa implikasi bahawa permit bernombor PP8541/08/2010(0282145) ISSN 1688-5398 adalah rekayasa saya?

3. Saya tidak faham kenapa surat rasmi mengenai kelulusan permit Gedung Kartun sampai sekarang belum dikeluarkan oleh pihak KDN, sebaliknya mereka melakukan rampasan dan mahu mendakwa saya ke mahkamah. Bukanlah lebih baik dikeluarkan surat kepada saya dan semua masalah selesai?

4. Kerana permit penerbitan diluluskan menteri, saya akan menulis surat untuk bertemu sendiri dengan Menteri Dalam Negeri, Dato' Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein untuk mendapatkan penjelasan apakah benar beliau tidak pernah pada atau sebelum 14 Ogos meluluskan permit dengan nombor PP8541/08/2010(0282145) ISSN 1688-5398 untuk majalah Gedung Kartun?

5. Saya juga ingin bertanya, kenapa memperolehi permit penerbitan menjadi semakin sukar? Apakah ini yang dimaksudkan oleh Perdana Menteri bahawa media akan lebih bebas di bawah pemerintahannya? Apakah dibawah 1Malaysia, hak berkarya dan suara kartunis akan lebih dicengkam?

6. Jika melukis kartun boleh dipenjara tiga tahun, bayangkan bentuk kebebasan media dan kebebasan bersuara di negara kita.

7. Saya juga mendesak supaya akta lapuk, Akta Mesin Cetak 1948 dihapuskan.


Zunar
(Zulkiflee Anwar Ulhaque)
Political cartoonist, Gedung Kartun Editor
012 3058262
03 22744931
1 September 2009

Pertahankan hak kartunis.

Gutta cavat lapidem, non vi sed saepe cadendo

The drop excavates the stone, not with force but by falling often

Same Shit, Different Day!

Still Time for Jokes and Jokers

BRAIN TRANSPLANTS

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room. 

A family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. 

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said,
as he surveyed the worried faces. 

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time
is a brain transplant. 

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is
the only hope. 

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will
have to pay for the brain yourselves." 

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the
news.
After a pregnant pause, someone asked, 

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" 

The doctor quickly responded, 

RM 80,000 for a male brain, and RM 2,000 for
a female brain." 

The moment turned awkward. 

Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact
with the women, but some actually smirked. 

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the
question everyone wanted to ask, 

"Why is the male brain so much more expensive?" 

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence
and explained to the entire group: 

"It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to mark down the price of the female brains,
because they've actually been used." *

* Note:

The same pricing procedure (marking down) would doubtless
also be applicable for brains of most non- BN / UMNO politicians
regardless of their gender, and vice versa!

This story from the Malay Mail HERE is indicative of this fact.

Malaysia's HR Minister, Subramaniam

Extracts-

“….Human Resources Minister apparently has not seen the Australian Channel 7 television report on “forced labour and appalling working conditions” at a Nike contract factory in Kuala Lumpur.

…………….would not have lashed out at Nike, the athletics apparel giant, for interfering in the internal affairs of Malaysia.

…………….also said it was not appropriate for Nike to impose its own standards on a local supplier here.

Further, he said the allegations were not accurate and without basis.”

"I was raised with the idea that if you're not smart enough to do science you can do politics."

- Dr. Michael Crichton, 28-01-2005

Saturday again!

Osama O' Laden's T Shirt!

A Quote:

"I wouldn't be seen dead with a woman old enough
to be my wife" 

-  Actor, Tony Curtis, at age 83.

A misunderstanding! (With a nautical flavour)

A man is in bed with his wife.

The phone rings at 3am, the man answers and
then yells out: 

"Why don't you ring the bloody Met Office?"

Wife asks:

"Who was that?" 

The man replies:

"Some silly sod asking if the coast was clear."

The Irish Husband

The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told
him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was
thrown open and there stood her
husband. 

He glared at her lover and bellowed, 

"What are you doing?" 

"There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he was stupid?"

The Scotsman

Mark called in to see his friend Angus (a Scotsman) to find
he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls.

Rather obviously, he remarked;

"You're decorating, I see."

to which Angus replied;

"No. I'm moving house."

Relief

Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman,
a friend of his, pulled him over.

"What's wrong, Eric?" Jim asked.

"Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric.

"Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

I'm God

Father McGee walked into the church and spotted a man sitting cross-legged on the altar.
"My son,' said the priest, "What are you doing? Who are you?"

"I'm God," said the stranger.

"Pardon?"

"I'm God," he repeated. "This is my house!"

Father McGee ran into the presbytery and, in total panic, rang the archbishop.

"Your reverence," said he, "I hate to trouble you, but there's a man sat on the altar who claims he's God. What'll we do?"

"Take no chances," said the archbishop. "Get back in the church and look busy!"

Sant Hilari, Sant Hilari, fill de puta qui no se l'acabi!

Decking and Railways

Well knock me down!

Do It Yourself (DIY)
JOKE  

"I walked into a DIY mega-store one Saturday lunchtime and some old guy dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron on asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the bastard out - but those less suspecting might not be so lucky."

Diligentia maximum etiam mediocris ingeni subsidium

-Diligence is a very great help even to a mediocre intelligence.

decking (1)

Noun

a wooden deck or platform, (or the wood to make it) especially one in a garden for deck chairs, etc.

decking (2) Verb (slang)

to physically knock down, onto the deck [floor]

Collins Essential English Dictionary 2nd Edition 2006 © HarperCollins Publishers 2004, 2006

Johnny's and his Train Set
JOKE

Little Johnny's mother is working in the kitchen, listening to little Johnny playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She hears the train stop and her son saying,

"All you bastard passengers on the train shift your arses and bugger off now, 'cos this is the last stop!"

"All you bastards waiting on the platform, you've got thirty seconds to get your arses onto the train, then we're leaving."

Horrified, his Mum goes in and scolds little Johnny,

"We don't use that kind of language in this house!"

"Go to your room and stay there for two hours."

"When you come out, you may play with your train set again, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, little Johnny's allowed out of the bedroom and carries on playing with his train.

Soon the train stops and Mum hears little Johnny say,

"All customers who are leaving the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. Thank you for travelling with us today; we hope you had a pleasant journey with us."

"For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow your luggage in the racks at the end of each carriage and above your seats. Please note that smoking is prohibited throughout the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

Mum is just beginning to smile contentedly to herself, when little Johnny adds,

"For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the fat cow in the kitchen."

Cave quid dicis, quando, et cui
-Beware of what you say, when, and to whom  

Cop-speak Translated

Caution
Fierce Police Ahead

While on routine patrol...
I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.

The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner
He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN-DON'T FEED THE PIGS"

The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control
It was raining.

This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant.
It was too hot to ride in the car.

I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner...
The dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked by.

Knowing the suspect had a criminal history...
He puked on my uniform one night...

The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past...
I've got two theft cases hanging over his head...

While being arrested, this subject resisted and was injured in the act...
He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirror sunglasses...

The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations...
I wrote one ticket for each swear-word he used...

Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside the house say "Come in" so this writer entered through the door...
The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have heard Patton's army so I kicked in the door.

The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies...
I sent then to a nonexistent address which I called the "Command Post".

The Chief appeared at the scene and took command...
I sent him to the same address as the reporters.

I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding...
She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store and who was free after my shift was over.

Further interview of the witness was impossible, due to conditions.
It was my bowling night...

The motorist eyes were glassy, he had slurred speech , was unsteady on his feet, and smelled strongly of an alcoholic beverage.
He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back seat.

Using only enough force to restrain the subject...
My favorite song is "Drop-kick me Jesus Through the Goal Post of Life"

The defendant asked this officer's advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment...
I told him he didn't have the balls to call the judge the same name he called me.

"No man's life, liberty or property are safe while the Legislature is in session."

Judge Gideon J. Tucker, 1866:

UMNO PARTY HOPPER

POLITICAL JOKES

A life long supporter of UMNO was lying on his death bed when he suddenly decided to join PKR.

"But why?" asked his puzzled friend, "You're UMNO through and through… Why change now?"

The man learned forward and explained, "Well, I'd rather it was one of them that died and not one of us."

How A TWO FACED POLITICIAN SPEAKS

What a politician sways / What a politician means

"I have no recollection."

"You know I did it. I know I did it. The whole damn world knows I
did it. But, you're going to have to try to prove I did it!"

"Mistakes were made."

"I purposely did that bad thing and now I've been caught. Oh no!"

"I have the utmost confidence that the Investigator will conduct a thorough investigation and that once the facts are known, it will be clear that I did nothing illegal or unethical."

"I have the utmost confidence that the [Investigator] knows which side his/her bread is buttered on and that he/she will conduct the investigation in such a way that it will be found that I did nothing illegal or unethical."

"I am cooperating fully with the investigation."

"I am dancing and dodging as fast as I can."

"Why don't we start talking about the real issues facing this country?"

"Look! Over here! A shiny-thing to catch your attention!"

NOW:

What should be done about all the corrupt politicians?

Simple, investigate them, prosecute them, try them and, if they are found guilty in a just court of law, JAIL THEM FOR A LONG LONG TIME.



"I would like to offer a candidate to be added to the venerable list of English collective nouns: a scum of politicians."
Dr Jack Wheeler

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy."

Ernest Benn

Let's hope that the new wave of non-BN politicians are a different breed who will remain sincere, honest, truthful, uncorrupted and will consistently be the peoples' trustworthy representatives.