Wednesday 9 April 2008


The English, the Irish, Welsh and the Scots are all British, but they are not always united!

An English man and an Irish man are driving in opposite directions , at night, on a twisty, dark narrow road.

Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road.

To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.

In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.

At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a bottle of 12 year old whisky.

He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' May the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.''

The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.

Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''

An Irishman had no idea his wife was having an affair, so he was mad with grief when coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act.

He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out laughing.

"What do you think you're laughing at," he cried, "you're next."

A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.

"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"

The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!"

The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

Dai Jones from Llandudno visited London for the first time. He wanted to buy a hat and the one he chose was priced at twenty pounds.

He said to the shop assistant,

“Back home in Llandudno I could get a hat like this for five pounds.”

The assistant answered, “Well, we have large shop windows here and when the hats fade we send them to places like Llandudno.
And by the way my wife comes from Llandudno.
You may have known her. She was Ellen Jones, who lived at the mill.”

“Yes, I know her,” said Dai. “She was very pretty.
I took her out many a time.
But you know when things get a bit faded in Llandudno we send them to London!”

An Englishman, roused by a Scot's scorn of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman.
"Man," scoffed the Scot, "hiv ye nae ambeetion?”

At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.

From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"

An English man, Irishman and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub full of people.

The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free".

Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scotsman says,"..yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another two for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer.

The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another three for free and then get taken into the back room for a shag".

The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."

A posh English gentleman came into a pub in Llandudno. He asked,

“Which is the quickest way to get to Cardiff from here?”

The landlord said,

“Are you walking or going by car?”

The Englishman answered, “By car, of course”

“That’s the quickest way,” said the landlord.

Asterix in Britain

Absentem laedit cum ebrio qui litigat

-To quarrel with a drunk is to wrong a man who is not even there


Mr Bojangles said...

This not about the blokes on the Sceptered Isle but the relatives from across the Pond.

An American got on a bus in London and found all seats taken including one on which sat a small poodle next to an old lady.

Very politely the American asked if "ma'am" would be so kind as to remove the animal so he could sit but was rewarded with a whole burst of colorful language telling him in no uncertain terms to just bugger off and leave the mutt alone.

Flabbergasted, the American picked up the poodle and flung it off the bus.

The lady was livid, as could be expected, and, turning to her fellow countryfolk on the bus, wailed rather loudly "Are you all just going to sit quietly and let this American barbarian do this to a helpless English lady like me?" she demanded.

An English gentleman sitting just behind and rather tired of all the noise said: "Typical of these damn Yanks. The do everything the wrong way. The eat with the fork in the wrong hand, they drive on the wrong side of the street, and now this man has just thrown the wrong bitch out of the bus!"

mindful mariner said...

Thanks Mr Bojangles, I really enjoyed that one.
The bitch in question, the one not flung off the bus, typifies some (a small percentage) of the Brits.