Decking and Railways

Well knock me down!

Do It Yourself (DIY)
JOKE  

"I walked into a DIY mega-store one Saturday lunchtime and some old guy dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron on asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the bastard out - but those less suspecting might not be so lucky."

Diligentia maximum etiam mediocris ingeni subsidium

-Diligence is a very great help even to a mediocre intelligence.

decking (1)

Noun

a wooden deck or platform, (or the wood to make it) especially one in a garden for deck chairs, etc.

decking (2) Verb (slang)

to physically knock down, onto the deck [floor]

Collins Essential English Dictionary 2nd Edition 2006 © HarperCollins Publishers 2004, 2006

Johnny's and his Train Set
JOKE

Little Johnny's mother is working in the kitchen, listening to little Johnny playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She hears the train stop and her son saying,

"All you bastard passengers on the train shift your arses and bugger off now, 'cos this is the last stop!"

"All you bastards waiting on the platform, you've got thirty seconds to get your arses onto the train, then we're leaving."

Horrified, his Mum goes in and scolds little Johnny,

"We don't use that kind of language in this house!"

"Go to your room and stay there for two hours."

"When you come out, you may play with your train set again, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, little Johnny's allowed out of the bedroom and carries on playing with his train.

Soon the train stops and Mum hears little Johnny say,

"All customers who are leaving the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. Thank you for travelling with us today; we hope you had a pleasant journey with us."

"For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow your luggage in the racks at the end of each carriage and above your seats. Please note that smoking is prohibited throughout the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

Mum is just beginning to smile contentedly to herself, when little Johnny adds,

"For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the fat cow in the kitchen."

Cave quid dicis, quando, et cui
-Beware of what you say, when, and to whom