Saturday 17 May 2008

Cop-speak Translated


Caution
Fierce Police Ahead


While on routine patrol...
I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.

The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner
He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN-DON'T FEED THE PIGS"

The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control
It was raining.

This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant.
It was too hot to ride in the car.

I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner...
The dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked by.

Knowing the suspect had a criminal history...
He puked on my uniform one night...

The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past...
I've got two theft cases hanging over his head...

While being arrested, this subject resisted and was injured in the act...
He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirror sunglasses...

The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations...
I wrote one ticket for each swear-word he used...

Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside the house say "Come in" so this writer entered through the door...
The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have heard Patton's army so I kicked in the door.

The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies...
I sent then to a nonexistent address which I called the "Command Post".

The Chief appeared at the scene and took command...
I sent him to the same address as the reporters.

I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding...
She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store and who was free after my shift was over.

Further interview of the witness was impossible, due to conditions.
It was my bowling night...

The motorist eyes were glassy, he had slurred speech , was unsteady on his feet, and smelled strongly of an alcoholic beverage.
He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back seat.

Using only enough force to restrain the subject...
My favorite song is "Drop-kick me Jesus Through the Goal Post of Life"

The defendant asked this officer's advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment...
I told him he didn't have the balls to call the judge the same name he called me.


"No man's life, liberty or property are safe while the Legislature is in session."


Judge Gideon J. Tucker, 1866:

2 comments:

chong y l said...

dear sailor boy: methinks you did not have to worry -- these MIB won't want to sail the high Cs -- they weren't sked of the pirates, only of mariners like thee and ancient one -- still memorising the Rime of the AM, now it's close to PM!:)

GDae, when is out next meAt at Lingam's onow that the report is Oooch!?
cc: Ancient Mariner

mindful mariner said...

Hi Desi, thanks for your visit aboard the blog.
Will be setting sail into the sunset soon, sea ans seaside sojourning, seeking solace, savouring sanctuary somewhere secluded, seeing salty seas!