"I wouldn't be seen dead with a woman old enough
to be my wife"
- Actor, Tony Curtis, at age 83.
A misunderstanding! (With a nautical flavour)
A man is in bed with his wife.
The phone rings at 3am, the man answers and
then yells out:
"Why don't you ring the bloody Met Office?"
"Who was that?"
The man replies:
"Some silly sod asking if the coast was clear."
The Irish Husband
The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told
him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was
thrown open and there stood her
He glared at her lover and bellowed,
"What are you doing?"
"There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he was stupid?"
Mark called in to see his friend Angus (a Scotsman) to find
he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls.
Rather obviously, he remarked;
"You're decorating, I see."
to which Angus replied;
"No. I'm moving house."
Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman,
a friend of his, pulled him over.
"What's wrong, Eric?" Jim asked.
"Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric.
"Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
Father McGee walked into the church and spotted a man sitting cross-legged on the altar.
"My son,' said the priest, "What are you doing? Who are you?"
"I'm God," said the stranger.
"I'm God," he repeated. "This is my house!"
Father McGee ran into the presbytery and, in total panic, rang the archbishop.
"Your reverence," said he, "I hate to trouble you, but there's a man sat on the altar who claims he's God. What'll we do?"
"Take no chances," said the archbishop. "Get back in the church and look busy!"
Sant Hilari, Sant Hilari, fill de puta qui no se l'acabi!