ENGLISH, AS SHE IS WROTE!

IF SO, GET A SPELLING CHEQUER!

image source

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Fallaces sunt rerum species


The appearances of things are deceptive.

The Curious Tale of the Honest Farmer and the Ludicrous Shithead

Yuppy invasion

A local farmer named Ennee Wone was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in Bolehland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The farmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a page on the Internet, where he calls up a series of GPS satellites to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to a NASA satellite that scans the area to produce an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany. Within a few seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the honest farmer.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the farmer says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a graduate from Oxford and an UMNO Member of Parliament," says the farmer.

"Wow! That's correct," exclaims the yuppie with the customary UMNO 'Wow Factor',

"But how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you wanted to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question which I had never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter you are, and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog."

By Anon.

Source unknown

Falsus in uno, falsus in omnibus

False in one thing, false in all

THE PMs PRECEPTION! Dreaming in Cloud Cuckoo - land

PM Abdullah Badawi reportedly said on Wednesday 27^th August 2008.

UMNO / BN still commanded strong support from the people.

No, not the joke of the day, it is sad but true.

The result of the Permatang Pauh by election, in which UMNO / BN was throughly thrashed by Parti Keadilan Rakyat (PKR), whose was candidate Anwar Ibrahim, ‘cannot be interpreted as a trend that can happen in other constituencies’, according to UMNO President and PM Abdullah Badawi reportedly said on Wednesday 27^th August 2008.

Abdullah said UMNO / BN still commanded strong support from the people.

"What happened in Permatang Pauh was not something so big as to change the situation that exists after the last general election.

"The Permatang Pauh by-election is one by-election that cannot be interpreted as something that can happen in other constituencies. I believe we can still continue the government,"

Abdullah, who is also BN chairman, told the media, according to the Malaysian propaganda news agency BERNAMA..

Anwar Ibrahim won the Permatang Pauh by-election Tuesday with a massive 15,671 vote majority, garnering 31,195 votes against the UMNO / BN candidate Arif Shah Omar Shah, who obtained only 15,524 votes.

The other candidate, Hanafi Mamat, 61, of Angkatan Keadilan Insan Malaysia (Akim) lost his deposit as he received just 92 votes!

Vir prudens non contra ventum mingit

- A wise man does not urinate against the wind

Malaysia, in Terminal Decline?

Well, it is certainly rapidly losing a lot of credibility and what little international respect it may have once had.

Of course this guy:

"Najid heartened by African interest in Malaysia's development experience"

"Abdul Muin Abdul Majid, BERNAMA"

SEEN IN NSTP HERE

NAJID? Who the hell is this geezer called “Najid” ?

Never heard of the bugger!

But he has evidently said African countries look up to Malaysia, I say "Big Deal"


After two days experiencing crappy Internet connection from Streamyx yet again, I can now publish a post.

One could be forgiven for assuming that Telekom Malaysia (TM Net) was censoring / restricting the access to the Internet, whilst the government controlled / owned mainstream media could be readily accessed on line, sites such as foreign news from BBC, CNN , Al-Jazeera, etc. could not.
Malaysia Today, Malaysiakini, blogs, etc. were either totally inaccessible, or very very slow to load.

Even email could not be readily accessed, apart from the TM Net email, which I am sure most folks don't use as it is of limited capacity and in my opinion unreliable.

What is Malaysia becoming?

Sadly it is rapidly becoming more ignorant, more inward-looking, more xenophobic and more anal retentive with each passing day.

Too rejuvenate I am off for a few days to one of the few remaining unspoiled parts of Malaysia, for a relaxing few days far from the shallowness, the madness, the lies, and the cheating.

There will be no Internet access, no telephones; just the beauty of nature.

I will leave you with a joke, it will bring back memories of millions of wasted man-hours, (this being the time wasted listening to the unmitigated bullshit, and empty promises, self-praise and 'talking-down to' speeches), that are part and parcel of 'normal life' in UMNO / BN Malaysia, especially for civil servants.

TTFN

BN Verbal Diarrhoea

A standard issue [verbose and pompous] UNMO / BN politician, notorious for lengthy, very boring and empty, cock-talking speeches, is just about to start holding forth one day when he notices a man in the assembled audience, yawn, get up and leave the hall.

Over three and a half hours later, the politician is finally winding up his speech when he notices the man come back in and sit down amongst the mostly sleeping audience,

Afterwards the politician asked the man where he had been.

"I went to get a haircut," the man tells him.

"But why didn't you do that before my speech began?"

"Because I didn't need one then."

Non est vivere sed valere vita est




- Life is not being alive but being well

(life is more than just being alive)

ELEVEN MALAYSIAN POLITICIANS

RESCUED WITH A TEN PERSON ROPE

Eleven Malaysian politicians, ten UMNO men and
one PKR woman are hanging on for grim death,
with both hands, to a ten person capacity
rescue rope attached beneath a helicopter.


The rope isn't strong enough to carry all eleven of
them, so they decide someone must let go before
they all fall to their deaths. 

Unable to vote who should let go, the PKR woman
launches in to a very touching speech:

"I'm used to giving up everything for my husband,
children and for men in general.” 

"We women always have and always will
make scarifices for men, expecting little
or nothing in return."

“Faced with this knowledge, I'm prepared to
voluntarily let go of the rope.” 

Visibly moved by her willingness to sacrifice herself and
impressed by the eloquence and power of her speech,
all ten UMNO men started clapping........

Si finis bonus est, totum bonum erit

- If the end is good, everything will be good

(all's well that ends well)

A STORY, FROM A LADY.

The Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be
confronted bya well dressed young man carrying
a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning,” 

said the young man. 

“If I could take a couple of minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners.”

“Go away!” 

I said. 

“I haven't got any money!",
"I'm broke!” 

And proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door
and pushed it wide open. 

“Don't be too hasty!” he said. 

“Not until you have at least seen my 
demonstration.” 

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit onto
my hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.” 

I stepped back and said,

“Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because
they cut off my electricity this morning.
What part of ‘broke’ do you not understand?” 

 Caveat venditor 


- Let the seller beware

THE POTENTIAL DANGERS OF THE FOOD WE EAT

A Doctor was addressing a large audience. 

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of

us sitting here, years ago. 

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with mono-sodium glutamate (MSG).

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realise the long-term

harm caused by the bacteria in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all.

Can anyone tell me what food it is that causes the most grief
and suffering for many years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a frail 75-year-old man in the front row

raised his hand, and softly said,

"Is it Wedding Cake?"

Should these come with a health warning?

Dulcius ex asperis


- Through difficulty, sweetness

Differing points of view.

Different Points of View: Female / Male

A CAMPING EXPERIENCE 

A man and a woman go camping. 

They put up their tent and go to sleep. 

A few hours later the man wakes the woman and says: 

“Look up at the sky, what do you see?” 

She says:

"I see a million stars". 

He replies: 

“And what does that tell you?”

She says: 

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of
undiscovered worlds out there! 

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in the sign of the lion!

Meteorologically it tells me that we will have a very nice
day tomorrow! 

Chronologically, it tells me that it's about 03:15. 

Theologically, it tells me that that God is almighty,
and we are unworthy! 

And what does it tell you?

He is quiet for a moment and then he says: 

“Well, practically, it tells me that someone
has nicked our bloody tent!”


Tolerabiles ineptiae 

- Bearable absurdities

A Doctor's Story

A Doctor, an Engineer & a Politician

A doctor, an engineer and a politician were travelling together in the countryside.

They stopped at a small country inn for the night.

"I have only two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn," said the innkeeper.

The doctor volunteered to sleep in the barn, went outside, and the others went to bed.

A short time later they were awakened by a knock.

It was the doctor, who said, "There's a cow in that barn. I'm a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal."

The engineer said he'd be willing to sleep in the barn and left. The others went back to bed, but soon were awakened by another knock.

It was the engineer, who said, "There's are pigs in the barn. I'm Muslim, and I can't sleep next to such animals."

So the politician was sent to the barn. It was getting really late, the others were very tired and soon fell asleep.

But then they were awakened by an even louder knocking.

They opened the door and were surprised by what they saw: It was the cow and the pigs!

Politician is an unwelcome bed-fellow, said the cow!

"Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."

Ronald Reagan

Lesson from the Amarillo Theatre

The auditorium and the cowboy

A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theatre, Houston, Texas. 

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, 

"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned, but didn't budge. 

The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. 

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle and in a moment, he returned with the manager. 

Together, the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. 

The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly and then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Fred," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,
"the balcony."


Moral of the tale, engage brain before opening mouth.

Access the situation carefully, do not make assumptions.

Age quod agis

  - Do what you do well, pay attention to
what you are doing 

Keep off the Grass!

A nurse was on duty in A&E, when a female punk rocker entered.

This young woman had green hair styled into a mohican, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing.

It was determined that the patient had an acute appendicitis, and so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely undressed, gowned, and lying on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading:

"Keep off the grass."

After the pre-op and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said:

"Sorry, I had to mow the lawn."

Grass cuttings

Saepe creat molles aspera spina rosas

- Often the prickly thorn produces tender roses.

Wishful Weekender

A SUNDAY MORNING IRREVERENT JOKE

Just One Wish

A man walks into a pub with an ostrich

and a pussy cat.

He goes up the bar and says: "a cool Budvar for me, Old Speckled Hen for the ostrich, double Catto's whisky, no ice, for the cat."

The unlikely trio find a table, sit down and drink their drinks.

A cool 'Budvar'

Next, it's the ostrich's round.

He walks up to the bar and says: "Old Speckled Hen for me, a cool Budvar for the man, double Catto's whisky, no ice, for the cat."

Then the ostrich takes the drinks back to the table and they drink them.

A double Catto's whisky, no ice

When it comes to the cat's turn to buy a round, he simply tells his pals to "Sod off!"

So the man goes back to the bar and asks for another round of drinks.

Impressed at his generosity, the barman says: "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't.

Why do you hang out with him?"



A pint of 'Old Speckled Hen'

The man replies: "I once helped a little old lady to cross the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother.

She granted me one wish, which landed me with the cat and the ostrich forever."

"What did you wish for?" enquired the barman.

"A long-legged bird with a tight pussy…"

Honi soit qui mal y pense!

A COW & BULL STORY

A None PC Joke:

The cow from Yoxonsk

Back in the 19th century, the only cow in a small town stopped giving milk.

The townspeople did some research and found that they could buy a cow from the city of Mombavich for 200 kwounes, or one from a town named Yoxonsk for 100 kwounes.

Being frugal, they bought the cow from Yoxonsk.

The cow from Yoxonsk

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day, and the people were very happy.

Later they decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it, then they would never have to worry about their milk supply ever again.

They bought a prize bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

The prize bull

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask a wise man what to do.

The wise man

They told the wise man what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If approached from the side, she just walks away to the other side."

The wise man thought about this for a minute and then asked, "Did you buy this cow from Yoxonsk ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had bought the cow.

"You are truly a very wise man," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Yoxonsk?"

The wise man answered sadly, "My wife is from Yoxonsk.”

Chtob vse byli zdorovy!

Midweek Irreverent Chuckle

A teacher went round his class asking the pupils what their fathers
did for a living. 

There was the usual mixture of  replies; office worker, policeman,
lorry driver, and so on. 

Finally one young boy said that his father was a lap dancer
in a gentleman's club.

The teacher, profoundly embarrassed, moved on. 

At the end of the lesson he took the boy to one side and asked him,

"That wasn't true about your father, was it?"

"No, sir."

"What does he really do then?

"Em ... well... okay, he's a donor to a major BN political party,
but I was too ashamed to mention it."